Spyrate

Tolstoy

2009-10-09T23:31:00.000-07:00

"There are two Gods," Tolstoy once said. "There is the God that people generally believe in - A God who has to serve them (sometimes in very refined ways, say by merely giving them peace of mind). This God does not exist. But the God whom people forget- the God whom we all have to serve- exists, and is the prime cause of our existence and of all that we perceive."

- Quoted from Aylmer Maude, Tolstoy and His Problems.

Wyoming...why would you go there?

2009-09-28T21:11:00.000-07:00

In the summer of '08 Kristen, Tara & I discovered that we travel very well together. We went to New York and had an absolute blast. Seeing things we wanted to see, sleeping in, roaming around and laughing very hard. This year we wanted to go on a road trip together and through a series of conversations concluded on Wyoming. You might be wondering, "Why Wyoming?" that's a good question and really even we don't know how we ended up picking it. Throughout the trip one of us would say, "We're in Wyoming!" and then we'd start laughing in unbelief. No matter how we got there, it was amazing. I'm sure a large part of it was because of the women I was with. We laughed, had meaningful conversations, listened to a lot of good music, slept and generally had a great time.

There were a lot of favorite memories for me but two highlights were on the first day I get the memo that we're supposed to wear bandana's for the whole trip. The rule is it's supposed to be somewhere on your body. Tara was most creative mixing it up, KT's version of mixing it up was wearing it sometimes and carrying it around in her purse and I tied it around my neck & didn't take it off until Boise when it was too gross to put back on.

Another highlight was that somehow KT and I got on this Lewis & Clark kick. We talked about what it would be like to explore something now and how I'd respond if President Obama called me up and asked me to put a posse together to go explore some unchartered territory. I told Kristen that I'd take her with me simply because she was a teacher. She said that she didn't think Obama would approve her for lack of qualifications so I put together an argument, just in case it ever came up, revolving around the importance of promoting education, supporting teachers and drove my point home citing the Challenger.

We also talked about what it was like for Lewis & Clark to just be walking around, taking notes and drawing what they saw. It was an ongoing conversation that at one point, Tara mentioned that she was amazed we knew so much about them. I'd like to take this moment to thank Mr. Sprague my 6th grade history teacher for providing information that was in fact useful in my adult life. I can also tell you that the Grand Coulee Dam is the largest concrete structure in the United States, not yet helpful information for everyday conversation.

The trip really was a huge highlight of the summer and one I will not soon forget. Randomly as we pulled away from Tara's house on our first day she pulled out her journal and wrote what time we left, that turned into a travel log for the whole trip. I've posted it here because it brings so much joy to my heart everytime I read it that I hope you'll enjoy it too.

Wild West Road Trip 2009
July 30
9:49 Leave Seattle WA
9:54 Weird giggle KT
12:25 Wild Horses at the Gorge – both KT and TG peed on themselves, Tara breaks her camera while hiking.
2:30 Sprague Lake Rest Stop for Lunch
KT’s white trashness confirmed
MD forgot to bring plates
Switched drivers
TG made GREAT sandwiches
3:45 Stopped for gas
3:54 Tara practiced horn-honking
3:57 Crossed state line into ID
4:43 KT alluded to a sweet Dave Matthews’ quote which she will share once we return to SEA
6:04 (Mountain Time) Enter Montana
7:09 Blind taste test white vs. pink circus animals. MD guesses correctly
7:45 Missoula for groceries
9:45 arrive at Best Western Butte

July 31
11:26 Leave Best Western in Butte
11:31 Crossed Continental Divide
12:30 Costco to buy camera – Bozeman
2:15 Reached Yellowstone Nat’l Park
3:17 entered park
3:20 entered Wyoming
4:00 Painted mud pots
5:46 Old Faithful eruption

August 1
9:30 wake
12:30 left for Old Faithful again
1:30 coyote hunting for something
2:15 lunch in parking lot
Left for Lonestar Geyser walk
3:00 geyser erupts
4:45 back to camp
5-7 pm TG and MD sleep while KT reads book non-stop
7:15 dinner

August 2
7:55 Left Grant Village
8:41 Honda Odyssey almost gored by bison
8:56 Tara slaps herself in face, because she has so many bug bites and KT keeps telling her not to scratch.
11:43 Arrive in Cody
12-3 Tara and KT wander, MD writes paper
3:15 Blizzards from DQ
5:15 Chuckwagon cookout
8 Cody Night Rodeo

August 3
7:40 left campsite
11:20 Grand Teton National Park
12 stopped for lunch in a load/unload zone.
12:45 2 pronghorns bolt across the road, while MD is talking with Dad who has a real problem with phone talking and driving.
1:15 set up camp
1:45 attempted nap but can’t because tent is sweltering hot
3 After misc. activities KT and MD ditched TG to go exploring
3:45 Mormon Row – a once vibrant historic district now old houses and barns (including the most photographed barn in America)
4:15 stumble upon herd of bison (approx. 100)
4:21 off roading with TC the VIP
4:37 saw moose
6 watched shootout re-enactment
8 massive thunder, lightening and rain storm
8:30 decided to race storm
8:45 beat thunderstorm back to campsite
9 created “Ghetto Super Tent” (laughing ensues every time MD sings, “Ghetto super tent, that is what you are…)
9:30 storm passed by but a little bit of rain was kept away by our efforts

August 4
9:45 left camp
10:30 started Jenny Lake Hike
12:01 KT gets attacked by a very aggressive chipmunk at Inspiration Point. She keeps repeating “don’t touch me” and “back up off me” while wildly waving bag of sandwiches. He/She eventually gives up and moves on to the next group of tourists. (See KT for different version.)
2:03 Turned around to head back to car
Sometime on the way back: KT’s knee really started bothering her, we saw 3 moose, and eye level child in a back pack said “Hey”, we took the boat back cutting our trip to about a 10 mile hike.
4:53 left Jenny Lake parking lot
5:30 Chapel of the Transfiguration
6 Returned to camp
6:15 TG and KT start fire and make dinner of corn, chicken and broccoli

August 5
8:21 left campsite
8:24 more bison – on each side of road crossing in front
9 Much needed quality breakfast
10:23 cross into Idaho
10:24 KT apologizes for giving MD and TG crap about honking at the state lines (it’s harder than you’d think)
4:15 Arrive at WONDERFUL hotel in Boise

August 6
10:05 leave Boise
10:55 Enter OR – 1st successful honk
11:17 45th parallel – ½ way between equator and North Pole
KT determines the speedometer is correct
1:16 2000 miles
1:18 entered Washington
1:30 rock hits windshield
KT hits 90 MPH
4:12 MD realizes there’s no way we’ll be home by 4:45 (at exit 42 on I-90)
4:59 dog carries other dog in mouth at Green Lake
5 HOME! TG wins guessing game

2252.8 miles driven

Animals:
4 Deer
1 Mullet Man
5 Moose
Dead Fox
Dead Coyote
3 pronghorn
Gray spotted dingo
Bald eagle
Maybe fake bison
Too many bison to count
About 30 ducks
Herd of unknown creatures
Marmot
Herd of elk
Pooping deer
3 dead raccoons (Boise)
3 llamas

Cops:
13 WA
1 ID
3 MT
1 WY
0 OR

10 disgruntled youths

Quotes:
~“Oh man, he’s an old man trapped in Joe’s body.” MD in reference to one of Joe’s song choices.
~”Ugh. Your car beeps a lot…it’s like Safeway.” TG
~ “I know moose like none other.” MD
~”Are you guys playing Would You Rather: STDs?” TG
~”I would also consider this trip a success if we see a velociraptor because I never have before and because Mark’s dog sounds like a velociraptor and I’ve been thinking about them since last Thursday.” MD
~”Minnesota…MINNESOTA!” KT through the open window, guy looks, Megan waves.
~”Baby cow mayhem.” MD at rodeo
~”My goddamn boot split” KT in voice of young cowboy who sulks after his not so good ride.
~”We must now return and report our findings to Barack Obama” MD to explorers (us) as if, like Lewis and Clark, we had been commissioned to discover the great west.
~”You should have woken me up.” TG to MD after MD mentions she’s been awake for 2 hours just laying in the tent.
~”I’m going to the boardroom.” TG while we're waiting for the elevator, we still don't know what she did in there.
~”I’ll be the joke teller.” TG as to what she’ll do while KT and MD drive home from Boise – she told two jokes.

Rest

2009-09-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

I was minding my own business at a birthday party on Saturday when somehow it came up that I'm not the best at keeping up with the ole blog so here's an update and a printed intention that I'm going to try to update more often.

This summer was spectacular & just what I needed in terms of rest.

My Mom reminds me that I'm always talking about how tired I am and how my plan for resting is just around the corner and then when the corner comes I'm still busy and I move the resting date to the next corner. Apparently, you can only move that date so many times before you don't have an option any more. June & July were super busy with work and school and because of what was going on in both those arenas I was very stressed. I found myself reactionary to things that normally don't bother me, my stomach was constantly upset, I was having week long headaches and when I would try to go on runs I'd quickly lose stamina and be unable to finish. Very like me, at the time I didn't put all these things together and come to the awareness that something might be going on. It wasn't until I went on vacation that I figured it out.

Kristen, Tara & I went to Wyoming on a road trip. I slept a lot for the first 3 days and on day 5 I realized that I felt like a normal human again; I was excited to go exploring and on a hike, I was having all these ideas of what I could do with the ministries I lead, I was really enjoying articles on Post-Modernism and thinking through how that affects the church, etc. It was great and a part of me that I hadn't experienced in quite some time.

On the last day of the trip, when we'd mostly run out of things to talk about I had a lot of time to think and what I spent quite a bit of thought time around was how to avoid being that tired again. At the time the majority of my ideas revolved around boundaries and making sure I had enough downtime where I really was resting the way my personality needs but right now those ideas are quickly fleeting. The last several weeks have been 50+ hour work weeks and now the students are back and school starts for me on Wednesday. I still think that boundaries have to be the way to go but I don't know what that looks like. So far I've decided on one absolutely free evening a week and intentional scheduling of work, school & fun. I don't know if it will really work but I dread the idea of dragging through things the way I did for the majority of last year.

I have a lot of hope that things will be better this year. This Sunday was the first Sunday back for the students and I was crazy excited to see them all and I had a great time interacting with them, it's probably been at least 2 years since I've been this excited. This is not only an encouraging feeling but also an indicator that so far I'm doing okay in the world of rest. We'll see how I keep it up, I'm definitely motivated.

The coincidence of two's

2009-06-04T11:08:00.001-07:00

Last week I found a t-shirt of mine that I haven't seen in a long time that I got while I was a tour director in Alaska. It's from a tiny town called Chicken that has a population of 3 families and a horse. The next day I saw someone at the grocery store with the exact same shirt I briefly chatted with him about how he knew about it and then not 1 hr later I saw someone at the dog park with a Chicken Alaska shirt on. I've been trying to figure out if it's a sign and if so what of.

In the meantime, yesterday I was dropping my friend Elijah off at downtown and just as he got out of the car I heard a pop. Then as I pulled into traffic I could smell burning rubber. I was looking around and saw a stalled car not far up the road. By the time I pulled the 5 car lengths up there were massive flames coming out from under the car. I had my window down so I said to the guy in the passenger seat, "Dude your car is on fire." He looked at me quizzically so I repeated louder with pointing, "Your car is on fire." I took this brief moment to think about the fact that I was sitting next to a highly combustible object while in my own highly combustible object. There wasn't anything else that I could do so I yelled, "Your car is on fire!" and punched it. The car behind me yelled at them to get out of the car & by the time I hit the end of the block they were out and people were pulling over. My friend Drew suggested that I should have gotten out to see if any of them needed pastoral care but I retorted that they didn't need a pastor they needed a fire extinguisher.

This is where it gets crazy. A few hours later I'm sitting at small group, which was at my house, and Mary says, "I think there's a fire across the street. No, maybe it's just their BBQ." A few other people check it out, I look out the front door and sure enough our across the street neighbor, Rick's BBQ is fully on fire. So I bolt out the door & across the street yelling "Hey! Hey! Hey!" I didn't know his name at the time or I would have yelled that. He came out & put the fire out, we chatted for a couple of minutes and he assured me that he had another BBQ in back.
I have no doubt that these are merely coincidences but these seem highly improbable coincidences and therefore worthy to note. My roommate Nacole suggested that maybe I'm supposed to go to Chicken Alaska and start a fire, you know to help global warming. I'm not going to do that.

My First Baptism

2009-06-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

When I worked at Evangel, the Christian bookstore, we would sell all sorts of "First Baptism" commemorative stuff; cards, plagues, figurines, pictures, bookmarks, etc. They're all made for the person getting baptized. Last week I had my first opportunity to do the baptizing and it was a very profound experience. I usually bawl my eyes out every time I get to watch a baptism because it's so beautiful to hear the journey that God has taken this person on in order to bring them to this time and place. This was very different though, to be standing next to someone who was bawling and reading their testimony was such an incredible honor that I found myself so stunned that I got to be a part of this moment in this way that I didn't even think to cry until later.

This was unlike the "typical" process. I didn't know the 2 women getting baptized, someone else got to talk them through the significance of what they were doing and it was in the middle of the day at Green Lake. For the record, I am not a fan of lakes and Green Lake ranks high on the list in terms of grossness. Not only were there sick looking fish darting around there were also curious ducks who kept swimming right close to where I was standing. I thought it through ahead of time and had total confidence as I waded in that even the worst case scenario wouldn't kill me, although being held down in Green Lake by a gaggle of ducks would be a horrible way to go. But day of I pulled it all together and focused on the women and how if I got a skin condition at least it would be in service to the Lord.

Being attacked by ducks aside, the significant part of the experience was not only telling people but being reminded myself of the covenant that baptism is. Earlier this quarter we talked in my worship class about our individual beliefs regarding baptism and how necessary it is to the individual's walk with Christ. I don't think baptism is required in order to have a relationship with Christ, be in community with believers or spend eternity with both of the aforementioned parties but I do think that it's an outward sign of what is going on internally. And similar to marriage when one is in the place where they are willing to commit to the best of their knowledge the rest of their lives to this relationship and invite the community into that covenant relationship, it's worth celebrating and shedding a few tears over.

My own baptism was life changing for me, I can't articulate why that act changed things but there was a shift and the following months I grew in my relationship with God dramatically, heard his call to leadership and service, wanted to be in close community with those around me and desired to know him more. Since then, of course, there have been ups and downs within our relationship and my interaction with the community but the covenant remains and there is comfort & strength in that commitment.

So it was a big notable day for me & while I might not get a card or any sort of memento of my "first baptism" there is no doubt that I won't soon forget it and I will be forever honored that these women allowed me to speak into their lives & baptize them in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

First One In, Last One Out

2009-05-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

A friend recently made the comment that one of the reasons that I was good at my job is that I was the "first one in & the last one out". I know that he meant it as a compliment but what I thought in response was, "he's right, I need some boundaries". Boundaries are really difficult to come by these days. I love people, I love being with people, I love caring for people and I love that I have some gifts and abilities to help facilitate people connecting to each other. It ends up that this is a huge strength and a huge weakness. Typically my boundary issues are seen when I'm doing something that I want to be doing but don't want to be doing. It's difficult to explain, most often this is seen in choosing to do something or go somewhere when I know that it is not a good use of my personal resources, but I also know that I will still enjoy it and be glad that I went. So I go & have a great time knowing that when I get done I'll have to figure out how to manage the consequences of my actions. In the midst of this all, my Mom keeps gently reminding me that I don't have to live my life at 100mph & that I frequently mention how tired I am.

Today I'm choosing to have boundaries and do something new, I have the majority of the day to myself. All the roommates are off doing Memorial Day things and I don't have any plans until 4pm. All morning I've been wrestling with ideas of people I could be connecting with today or other events that I could be inviting them to but for today I'm choosing to set some boundaries and practice the disciplines of silence and solitude. It's not even 11am and it's already been a struggle but I keep remembering the words of Henri Nouwen in his book The Way of the Heart:
We say to each other that we need some solitude in our lives. What we really are thinking of,
however, is a time and a place for ourselves in which we are not bothered by other people, can
think our own thoughts, express our own complaints, and do our own thing, whatever it may
be. ...In short, we think of solitude as a place where we gather new strength to continue the
ongoing competition of life. ...Rather, it [solitude] is the place of conversion, the place where
the old self dies and the new self is born, the place where the emergence of the new man and
new woman occurs.

I could use some of that new woman. So the phone is on silent, the gchat is set to unavailable, I've got a blanket and some time set aside to listen and be directed by God. In the end, I might end up disappointing some people, feel left out or still feel overwhelmed by all I need to do but I feel compelled to try it and so many others seem to think it's a good idea.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T08:02:00.001-08:00

Typically Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday. It's not that I hate this holiday & I do have a lot to be thankful for but if you make a list of favorite holidays something has to be last and this is it for me. There are several factors that bump it to the bottom of the list; it marks the impending craziness that is the holiday season, we have Thanksgiving with my Mom's side of the family the first weekend in November & since my Dad usually goes to his house in Eastern Washington it usually leaves me to fend for myself, and I don't really like Thanksgiving food (except rolls, mashed potatoes & salad). I do however love that from year to year I get to pick something new to do for Thanksgiving which means that I not only get invited into the families of my friends but I also get introduced into a wide variety of traditions.

Here are some of my favorites that I've been privy to along the way:

Sticky buns ready & waiting when you wake up Thanksgiving morning.
Going for a walk in the brisk morning & stopping to get a warm beverage.
Watching & commentating on the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade.
Alternative Thanksgiving food.
Watching a movie after "dinner".

This year I'm going to Kristen's house where she keeps warning me that the environment is competitive & sarcastic. I'm warming up my quick comebacks.

There are a lot of things that I'm thankful for this year but here are my top 10 (in no particular order), this is something my family does:

1. God provided the money for school for the rest of my time at Fuller, 3 more years.

2. Amazing friends who have been to me & let me be to them, true community.

3. Laughter

4. The new living situation, including but not limited to my new roommate Adriene.

5. Rhys, the wonder dog who cracks me up & loves me well.

6. The resilency of my family, you can beat us down but you won't break us up.

7. Musicals

8. That God pursues.

9. Outside perspective.

10. The beauty of fall.

Henri Nouwen Inspired Epiphany

2008-11-25T11:24:00.000-08:00

Maybe 3 or 4 weeks ago I had the realization that I was creating drama in my life in order to distract me from the pain and challenges of life that I was presently experiencing. This drama was very helpful, it took my focus off of myself and my processing and gave me a brain break. This is not necessarily a bad idea because it is impossible to process all of the time & for those like myself who have a hard time shutting the brain down, it can be a helpful way to take a break. However at some point the drama stopped doing its job, it hit me one day as I was thinking through all the crazy things that were going on in my life and how exhausting keeping up with all of it was. It was at this point that I realized that I had processed and healed enough that the drama that once was helpful was now a burden in and of itself.

So I came to the logical conclusion that I should get rid of the drama. Over the course of the next week or so I cut out much of the unnecessary prolonged conversations and mole hill issues that had be elevated to mountain proportions. I was very proud of myself for several days until the reason that the drama existed in the first place began to get louder & louder.

The drama was there because I had lost the ability to sit and be quiet with myself. My inner peace had been misplaced and what I was left with were loud thoughts of what I could have done different, what my life was going to look like now or just plain discomfort within my own skin.

This quarter Kristen & I are going through Henri Nouwen's With Open Hands with our College Women's small group and one of the chapters was on prayer & silence. Nouwen talks about how silence can be either frightening or peaceful and that many of us have become so used to sound when we are silent we suddenly find ourselves feeling "as though we have been violently stripped of our clothing, or like birds torn away from their nests." At this point he's referring to exterior silence but is very aware that the exterior noise prevents a silence of the heart which leads to losing touch with our inner self.

The longer we go without silence the more "unsure feelings are not cleared up, tangled desires are not straightened out, and confusing emotions are not understood. All that remains is a chaotic tumble of feelings which have never had a chance to be sorted out." Employing logic, again, it is an easy conclusion to come to that after 1 week or even a month of build up when one does find themselves in a quiet place all that "racket" starts up, screaming for attention. Either not knowing where to start or how to deal with the issues, it only makes sense that a diversion would be attractive.

Nouwen however provides an even more attractive, though disciplined, alternative. He states that within silence, which is different than sleeping, there is the freedom to "stroll through your inner yard, rake up the leaves and clear the paths so you can easily find the way to your heart." I'll admit that's a beautiful picture and I want it but it also is very scary to me to have to look at & touch all those leaves. The alternative however is exhausting & not just because I get bored of the same music all the time but because I'm not only working to keep the distractions coming but also because of the fear attached; what if I can't find a distraction or what if the distraction brings up what I don't want to deal with? I'll take the raking.

I'll take it because there is a promise of change and freedom attached to all that work. The promise that Nouwen gives that "Under this gentle regime, we can once again become masters in our own house... and there is no longer any need to be afraid. Then you realize that you can do many things, not compulsively but freely. Where you learn to see your life in its proper perspective. In this silence, the false pretenses fade away, you can see the world again with a certain distance."

I'm not saying that distractions are completely worthless, when I'm done thinking for the day or I can't handle one more conversation there's nothing like a movie or hang out time with friends to remind me that there is more to life than what my brain says there is but when all I'm doing is distracting & thinking and not intentionally doing yard work I'm doing myself a disservice.

Since I am not naturally inclined to sit in silence for long periods of time I've started the yard work by sitting with God for 1 minute/60 seconds a day. It's intentional and I pray before it and it's only 60 seconds. I'm hoping as I practice and more of the yard gets cleaned up it will become more natural but for now I'm doing what I can.

I found Nouwen's prayer very helpful:

Dear God,
Speak gently into my silence.
When the loud outer noises of my surroundings
and the loud inner noises of my fears
keep pulling me away from you,
help me to trust that you are still there
even when I am unable to hear you.
Give me ears to listen to your small, soft voice saying:
"Come to me, you who are overburdened, and I will give you rest...
for I am gentle and humble of heart."
Let that loving voice be my guide.

Self-Discipline

2008-11-12T09:26:00.000-08:00

Growing up I have clear memories of my Mom's routine when we went to a gas station. These are the highlights as I recall them:

1. Mention something about the cost of gas.
2. Pop the gas door.
3. Get gas flowing
4. Get back in the car & use this time to clean- her wallet, the car, whatever.
5. Top tank off, which you're never supposed to do.
6. Print receipt
7. Get back in the car
8. Do the math to determine how many MPG she'd gotten.
9. Reset odometer
10. Ask me to enter the amount in her check register.

Part of the reason I recall this so well is because I had quite a few activities that she would shuttle me around to, so she used a lot of gas, but mostly I remember because with just a few deviations I now do the same routine. I know for sure that the reason she did number 8 was to determine the car's functionality, that is part of the reason that I now do the same thing. The other part is to see if I'm "winning" or not. Yes, even MPG can be turned into a competition. Winning is determined if I'm getting more than 22 MPG, what Kelley Blue Book & Consumer Reports says the car should get. I typically get 23 MPG so leave the pumps feeling good about myself.

Two weeks ago I went to eastern Washington for the weekend and ahead of time thought that this would be a great opportunity to see how high I could get the MPG's because I knew it would take virtually the whole tank 1 way. When I filled up I found that I got exactly 23. Disappointed I spent a couple of days observing my driving and wondering how this could be. It was during this time of observation that I noticed that 9.5 times out of 10 I'm running late to where ever I'm headed and drive accordingly, even though I KNOW that especially in the city aggressive driving doesn't get you to your destination with any sort of significant time difference.

So for this tank of gas I've decided to not push it, to drive as if I had all the time in the world. So far the projections are looking good but I won't know for a week or so.

This seems like an inconsequential piece of life but I actually have to get in the car & remind myself of the plan & then it takes great self-restraint not to gun for the light or to constantly be mentally mapping out the fastest route from point A to B.

This trivial example is just one in a series of small things that God has been using to remind me of my need for self-discipline. Over the last 6 months or so I've slowly let my feelings determine my actions without even thinking about what's best for the long run or is this in line with who I want to be, this has shown itself in both big & small ways but the bottom line issue is the same, am I willing to say no to myself in order to have integrity of who I am & want to be?

It's been really hard and I anticipate that re-learning how to drive is just the tip of the iceberg but I'm banking on, from previous experience, that not only will I be more satisfied with my life but I also will be more able to enjoy the things that I choose to say yes to because they are good choices. Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of going crazy with this but I do want to be choosing life rather than flitting here & there blown by the wind of my feelings in the moment.

Latter Days

2008-10-29T22:10:00.000-07:00

These days this song by Over the Rhine has been speaking to my heart. This last summer was a series of unexpected events. I wrestled almost daily with the drastic difference between my own expectations and the plans that God seemed to have. I found my mantra being "Your will be done" not necessarily out of a heart of obedience but more out of desperation that I didn't know what else to say. This went on for a couple of months & then within a matter of weeks I had a serious family tragedy that was a double whammy because of both the situation and the resulting interactions with my family, had finals for 2 summer classes, turned 30, had a change in relationship status & was told that my rent was increasing by 3 times its current amount. At this point I turned from "Your will be done" to "Really God!? Are you kidding me!? I can't do this!" I felt so completely taxed that I lost most of my ability to cope & turned into a person that I did not recognize & couldn't imagine being for the rest of my life. It wasn't that I was a crazed lunatic but I wasn't myself, the inner turmoil was so uncomfortable that I was constantly seeking distractions & wasn't able to just exist, it was exhausting.

In the midst of all this my friend Kyle offered what has turned out to be such comforting advice, "I promise you that it won't always be like this. I will take some time, but it will get easier. I promise." In the moment I let out a sigh of relief simply because he didn't say anything to make matters worse.

Side note: For me one of the hardest parts of being in the midst of intense pain was being around other people, and I LOVE people. I felt like I could cope & exist when I was with friends or by myself but when I had to go out into the "real world" and the unexpected, even the grocery store, I had such hyper-sensitivity & little capacity that I found myself praying just to make it through conversations without falling apart & add that sometimes people say insensitive things & I was really anxious to wrap conversations up. So when Kyle offered not only advice from experience but that it was laced in kindness, I was very thankful.

For more than a month after the advice I was wondering when "easier" was going to kick in. Every single day was tough in some way or another & people "in the know" were telling me that, "life changes you" & that I needed to embrace the fact that I would forever be impacted by this portion of life. That it was impossible to go back to being the person I was before all this happened. I could get behind the logic of what they said & even agree that I wanted to let life change me for the better, to let these situations and their intense proximity to each other mold me into something more than I was before. But I still clung to Kyle's encouragement hoping that his "easier" was just around the corner & contained more than just an acceptance that life was hard and filled with struggles.

It was almost 2 months later before I had had 2 "normal" days in a row, granted the 3rd day was rough but I was so encouraged by those 2 that I didn't mind the 3rd as much. Over the next several weeks Kyle's promise began to take form and since then while things are still being processed & worked through & some days are still tough Kyle was right.

When I think about what got me back to the place of having more good than rough days there are all sorts of things that come to mind; great friends, a solid relationship with the Lord that could take a beating, a family that was willing to talk through things & give space when needed and while in no way do I take lightly the impact of those factors I think one of the biggest contributors to my return to "normality" was simply time. In fact, it has even been time that has grown the other listed factors into such important aspects of my life. While it can seem like a cheap cliche to say, "time heals all wounds" or "give it time", time cannot be underestimated. I can think of so many examples of interactions where had I allowed for a little time between receiving information and responding, I would have responded a whole lot different. While this need for time is inconvenient because we have no control over it & actually have to implement self-discipline, experience and wisdom would encourage us to embrace that things are changing and God is working.

If my own experiences aren't enough I only need to look around to see how God is using/has used time to change things. Family members who used to have broken relationships that are now healed, friends whose bitterness showed on their face & now smile, and countless biblical examples of a delay between a persons call and the fulfillment of that call; Abraham & Sarah, Moses, Noah, Ruth, David, Paul, Jesus, etc. Sometimes we know why God took the time he did and sometimes we don't but I think the point is is that things today aren't the same as they'll be tomorrow. That today's realities are true and tangible but they are also viable and consistently being morphed to fit the present which was once the future. This concept is nice in theory but it is only because of my belief in an all loving and interactive God that I can relax at all & be engaged with the present and hopeful for the future.

So while these latter days have taken their toll and some days I have a hard time remembering the big picture moment by moment, which turns into day by day, God is changing me and fulfilling his promises, Kyle's promise, to me.

Gone...yet not.

2008-10-20T22:48:00.000-07:00

This summer my older brother committed suicide in a horrible and tragic way. It has been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life. It's been a little over 2 months now since it happened and I'm just now beginning to feel like a "normal" human again, where I can think about things other than him or my own pain and where I can be in social situations & enjoy myself rather than be petrified that I could fall apart at any moment either due to my own internal situation or because someone will want to talk about it. Let me just say for the record if you know that something has happened just do everyone a favor, say it right away and then go on to being normal. The anticipation and small talk before hand is torture, we all know it's coming, don't try to ease me into it.

The journey has been much different than I would have thought. It's interesting because this time last year one of my seminary classes required I write a paper on grief & in it describe how I would deal with someone dealing with grief. While I took it seriously I also made light of the situation, making 70's cultural references and developing the storyline around the BeeGee's & their loss of Maurice Gibb, may he rest in peace. Even then I cared about the topic but I didn't really know what I would say to someone going through such pain. While there have been other painful things in life that have broken my heart, I still felt very unprepared for this. I flop between not knowing what to think, not wanting to talk about it & feeling like I'm marked with a warning sign; caution fragile cargo.

For weeks after the funeral I didn't want to talk about Matt at all. I was thinking about him all the time, wondering what I could have done different to love him better, remembering things I'd said or we'd done, thinking about his kids & how they were going to grow up, all sorts of things but I refused to talk about him. Then I went through a phase of refusing to even think about him. I needed a break, my heart was a mess & I felt like I couldn't both exist & deal with him so I'd just pack him & all that pain up for another day, but that didn't last for long.

About a week ago I was minding my own business, merging onto I5 and like a ton of bricks it hit me: "He's never ever coming back." I was pissed! Partially because I love him so much but mostly because he made a decision that so greatly impacted me without letting me have a say in said decision. He was the one who got to decide when it was over & he didn't have the courtesy to ask if I was okay with that. I realize that most people who commit suicide don't ask this type of question but I was still pissed about it.

I cried for my whole drive, sad that it was over & there was nothing I could do to change it, no amount of problem solving or brainstorming would bring him back. I cried for both of us, for our pain, his that would drive him to this & mine because of it, and for the loss of our future together.

The next day I was in the middle of getting ready to move & I opened my front door to find this on the porch

I know it's disgusting but it's also very funny and beautiful. Funny because in my eulogy I told a story about how Matt & I had found a squirrel on our walk home from school in 1st & 2nd grade & what we did with it for the next couple of days, just kids being kids. It was beautiful because I felt like God was reminding me that while Matt was gone forever I still had so many memories that weren't gone & those would keep him in my life forever.

I still don't know how I feel the majority of the time & I mostly keep asking God to work through this & not waste my pain. When things like a dead squirrel on my porch happen I am reassured that while I don't understand it He does care about me, hears me and loves me very much and that just as much as I haven't forgotten Matt, God hasn't forgotten me.

One month into my 30's

2008-10-08T22:19:00.000-07:00

I've looked forward to turning 30 for the last 5 years. I was convinced that being 30 would mean that people would finally see me as the capable adult I was & had worked so hard to be. While I'm not sure how people see me, I feel less capable than ever. While some more mature adult might try to convince me that that is the point, realizing that I never really was capable, I'm not falling for it. I'm now just convinced that it will come sometime this decade rather than on the day I turned 30.

This "capability" realization hit hard today as I was on my way to a friends house. Since I have the habit of "prepping" before a scheduled hang out time, I was thinking about what I wanted to talk about. While I thought of a short list, more than that I realized how there were so many things I wanted to talk about but wouldn't know what to say. I feel like humpty dumpty, since I believe in a sovereign God I know it's just a feeling, but that doesn't negate that it is my reality. Over the past 5 months I feel like I've been asked to give away pieces of my shell and while I willing gave some small & medium sized pieces away the bigger pieces were a lot harder to give & some very large pieces I feel like were just straight up jacked from me when I wasn't looking. So now what? Have I done this to myself? Is the moral of this story: keep it together & don't give anything away? As an advocate of authenticy & community I can't support that but yet I am not comfortable staying in this place either.

I can't live in pieces on the ground, I know for sure the kings men, whomever they are, won't be able to put me back together & I don't even know if I want to be put back together, at least not exactly the way I was. Being in pieces has meant feeling all sorts of things I've never felt before; both being loved and loving in a way I didn't know was possible, being so angry that I actually tried to start a fist fight with a grown man, standing in front of friends feeling exposed & scared while waiting for their response and feeling the most intense pain I've ever felt in my entire life. Life has not been like this before but I'm beginning to think that this is more accurate to "real life" than what I've known up to this point.

Today as I was having lunch with Larson & we were catching up on life she asked me if it was worth it & it wasn't a hard answer, "yes". She might have been referring to a specific event but both the question and the answer is applicable across the pieces of my life right now. I still don't know what to say when I think about what's going on or how I'm supposed to be handling life right now, as this capable adult, but since cashing in isn't an option & I can't change what it is, I guess I'll just keep going, fumbling around. I'm really hoping that at some point I'll look back and "get it", maybe that comes at 40.